There was a period in early June, before my doctor and I got the Gabapentin to levels that made a significant impact in which everything is a blur and I lost chunks of whole days because my brain dissociated. Pain that intense creates a sort of mental prison that the sufferer can get trapped and lost in. At least that was the case for me.
There were times when I was home alone or at night when I needed to be sleeping and the pain was so intense and sustained such high levels that I would be crying and wishing for escape, thinking, “If this is what life is going to feel like long term, I don’t want to live.”
I was lucky because I never had to be alone for very long.
When I first launched my business I was guilty of defeatist thinking.
“Will people think I’m a sell-out?”
“Will they think I’m annoying?”
“What if no one wants to buy the products?”
That type of thinking made me take like two or three weeks to really start posting about my business after I made the initial investment.
Guess what happened? Two people that I consider friends/family expressed a negative view of what I was doing. Two.
I hadn’t showered since Sunday night either, because we live in an older house (1948 build) and currently the only fully functioning bathroom is on the second story. I didn’t have the strength, and I was in too much pain, to climb the stairs.
This morning I woke up feeling much better. My pain was down from a 7/10 to a 3/10 and I was able to feed the dog and everything, so I decided that a shower should definitely happen.
It’s hard to put into words how good that shower felt.
I dared to get up off of the couch. I turned ‘just so’ as I did and that was it. The left side of my back went into a full on “What the cuss?!?” Spasm. My mouth did other things, said other, more colorful things. I knew that moving too far or too quickly just became not even kind of an option. So, I turned on my heating pad (which was thankfully right next to me) and laid down. Laying down is where I’ve stayed.
But it’s not the end of the world. This mental slump I’m in? I’ll get out of it by tomorrow morning, probably. Here’s my pledge to anyone reading this, any friend or follower or client and even to myself:
I am not the creator of this mug, it was a gift from a friend. If you decide you must have this mug, you can find it by clicking here.
I am the creator of this blog although I have little idea what exactly that means yet. Roughly, I want to share my thoughts on living with chronic pain or a chronic illness (in my case, Degenerative Disc Disease) while (and in part thanks to) building a successful home-based business.